The Dating Couple

With our recent visit to the local lesbian bar such a wonderful success, it seems logical to talk about one of the stranger paradoxes of the situation, the fact that I went along.

After all, there are very few places that men are not supposed to go, women’s locker rooms, bathrooms and gyms to name a few. A lesbian bar seems to be equally contradictory. It’s a bar for lesbians. Lesbians are women, therefore, no men should be allowed.

However, that obviously isn’t the case and, at most lesbian bars, there are at least a few men to be found. This doesn’t mean that men have an easy time of it there. There are many pitfalls and acceptance isn’t easy.

Still, it can be done if men just follow some basic, and sensible advice.

The First Trip

Our trip to the lesbian bar on Friday was not our first excursion to this type of bar, just the first in New Orleans. In South Carolina, we were regulars at the local lesbian bar for a long time. It was a great place to hang out, talk to people and, in Crystal’s case, dance. We also met our first girlfriend there about five years ago.

However, the first time we walked into the place was a very awkward and nerve-racking experience. It was a medium-sized club with no particular theme. Largely empty at the time, with just two other women sitting at the bar, the bartender noticed us immediately and ran up to us.

“Are you lost?” she asked, seeming genuinely concerned.

I’d been bracing for that question all day but stumbled on it. Fortunately, Crystal was ready and jumped at it, explaining that she was bisexual and I was with her.

The bartender, in turn, smiled and said “Oh! Ok!” before offering us a drink. That was the end of the questioning. We were there regularly for months after, up until the place closed, and never heard a peep. We attended benefits, 80s nights and countless other events (though we worked hard to avoid karaoke night) without a single problem.

It was a great bar and it’s a shame that it closed, especially since it actually did very good business most evenings. However, it seems the hostility of opening a lesbian bar in the buckle of the Bible Belt was a bit too much to bear.

However, it was a valuable lesson about the the nature of lesbian bars and one that I’ve carried with us ever since.

How to Avoid Trouble

If you have a penis and are considering going to a lesbian bar, there’s a few simple rules you need to follow:

• Respect the Club: Though most bars and clubs welcome men, or at least tolerate them, some do not. One we knew in Key West did not. If you encounter such a club, don’t try to crash it or sweet talk your way in. Show some respect and go elsewhere or let your girlfriend go alone. To find out if they have such a rule, call or check on line. Most clubs will also tell you at the door or put the rule on their sign.
• Go With a Woman, Specifically a Bi or Lesbian One: Ok, it seems obvious enough but some men will try to show up at a lesbian bar in hopes of being picked up by a couple of hot women or at least watching some girl-on-girl action. If you go with a lesbian or bi girl, even if she is just a friend, it goes much smoother. If you can’t find a girl, go to a strip club instead, you don’t need one to get in the door there.
• Don’t Be a Jackass: You’re not the reason the girls are there. Even though many of the girls are bi, they came there to play with other women, not men. Don’t try to dance with, hit on or otherwise pick up the women unless approached first. Talk with people, make jokes and drink, but remember you’re not the reason they are there. Simple as that.
• Remember, There is No Such Thing as a “Typical” Lesbian Bar: Lesbian bars are just like straight ones as there are different kinds. They play different kinds of music, have different kinds of atmospheres and people show up for different reasons. Go to the type of club you would pick to go to if it were a straight bar.
• No Means No - Always: This is true in any situation but is doubly so here. Girls in lesbian bars often dance, flirt and make out with one another, possibly even you, but no always means no. Ask before taking things to the next level, before touching anything sensitive or doing something that might be taken the wrong way. In these environments, the women have zero tolerance against unwanted touching and even less so against men. Going too far is a great way to find your ass on the curb.

These rules make it very difficult for men to do much of anything in lesbian bars and that’s really the point. It’s supposed to be a place for women who like women. For most men, it’s better if they slide into the background and let the woman they are with do what they came there for, have fun.

Some Good Advice

Beyond the rules and things that you pretty much have to do, there are some good ideas that you should also consider. They might save you a lot of trouble early one.

• Go Early or on an Off Night: For your first visit, go either before the crowd starts to show up or on an off night. It’s much easier to get acquainted with the place when it isn’t slammed full of people. It also makes it easy to meet a few people and gain a few friends before the chaos of a packed bar ensues.
• Befriend the Bartender: Even if the bartender isn’t really your sort (though I am yet to see one who isn’t) make friends with them. Should something happen, the bartender can stand up and vouch for you. Also, since most lesbian bars have small staffs, they are often the owners of the club and are the ones that make the decision if you stay or not. Besides, they’re usually some of the coolest people there anyway.
• Get Involved in the Community: Attend rallies, benefits and anything else that can help BGLT causes. Not only are they great causes to support and need your help, but you can make friends and gain greater acceptance in the community. If you don’t believe in these causes, you probably have no business in a lesbian bar in the first place.
• Expect Some Hostility: No matter how genuine your intentions are, no matter how well behaved you are, no matter how hard you work to be a part of the community, some will still be hostile to you. Some see it, quite correctly, as their place and their bar and don’t want any men there. Making yourself the center of attention is not wise decision.
• Nix Your Expectations: If you have any stereotypes about lesbians you need to leave them at home. They are not all manly-looking women that drink beer and watch sports nor are they all sexy femmes that make out constantly like in porn. They are young, old, black, white, feminine, masculine, quiet, loud and everything in between. In short, it’s just like any other bar.

If you can do all of those things, you’ll likely have a good time, make a few friends and find that people are open to you being there. After all, everyone there is brought together by one thing: An appreciation for women. (Gay men in lesbian bars is a topic for another day.)

It may sound cheesy, but it’s how we’ve kept our relationship together so long.

Conclusions

Is it difficult for men to go to lesbian bars? Absolutely. You can’t do many of the things you’d do in a straight bar, it can be a hostile environment and one has to work much harder to gain trust and acceptance.

However, most bars are very open and eager for anyone that is nice, fits in with the culture of the place and is comfortable with open displays of lesbianism. If you have a legitimate reason to be there and are comfortable being the only man in the room, it can be a good place to spend an evening and an even better one for the woman you are with.

Just follow the rules, be respectful and relax. You can meet a lot of wonderful and interesting people at lesbian bars. You just have to be willing to take a few risks and spend some time in a very different environment.