The Dating Couple

It’s not very often that I get a true crush on a girl. However, shortly after moving to New Orleans, we met one of the most interesting women I’ve known. She had her own style and worked at a shop in the French Quarter.

Every weekend, we would make a point to stop into the shop to buy some water before heading back to Bourbon Street. Over the next month, our visits became longer. She introduced us to some new bands and was a very interesting person. Seeing her became the highlight of my weekend.

I eventually worked up the nerve and asked her to pose for me on another website which I run. She readily agreed and became a regular model for the site. She also became a good friend. Before and after the shoots we would all hang out and I began developing a fondness for her.

She wasn’t your typical beauty. She was short, with black hair, big eyes, and a well proportioned figure. She was a punk style girl who played the accordion and had a definite style all her own. She was also somewhat of a fire cracker.

Through out the time I knew her, she would tell me about all of the boys who fawned over her. She would tell me how she wished that they would just leave her alone because she wasn’t ready for a relationship. So, even though I knew that she had been with girls in the past, I respected her wishes and didn’t make a move, even when hugs good bye lingered longer than necessary.

She was my muse. My artwork took off. I did several drawings based on pictures I had of her which are some of my best pieces to date.

Then a guy came into her life. She was the type to “take in strays” and he was definitely one. He had an apartment in the gay district. He didn’t like it and so stayed many nights at her house. She made it clear to him that she didn’t want a relationship, partly because she wasn’t ready and partly because she had decided to move in a year.

However, he didn’t listen to her wishes. He pushed forward for a relationship and won her over against her better judgment. At first, I was happy for her. They seemed to be well matched and to really care for one another. Then he started acting differently. He cheated on her. She was crushed, but since she had always denied that the relationship was serious, she didn’t feel like she could hold it against him. They stayed together and declared that they were indeed an item.

However, things continued to get worse. On more than one occasion, she told me how scared she was. Jonathan and I were both very worried for her safety. So, within a month of her leaving (the boy had decided to move with her) I painted a picture of her. One just for her. I gave her a printed copy of it to her before she moved.

When I handed it to her, I told her what it represented and how I felt about her. I didn’t want to tell her at that point, because I knew it could only add to her stresses, however Jonathan convinced me that I needed to in case I never saw her again. So, I did. I told her. She listened, but she didn’t want to talk about it.

Instead, she continued packing looking forlorn and confused as she did. She would hand me stuff that she didn’t want to take with her and that she thought I would enjoy. When we left, I came home with an armload of reminders of her and the memory of the longest hug we had shared.

I never got to fully explain to her my feelings. I never got to tell her how I wasn’t in love with her, just that it was a harmless crush because I had too much respect for her to push it further or to let myself go further with it. I didn’t get to tell her any of that or how I didn’t want to be another nuisance in her long list of would be lovers had she just given them a chance. I didn’t want the knowledge of my liking her to burden her in any way.

However, I know that it did. I know that because we’ve kept in touch since she moved. We talk on the phone every once in a while and we e-mail fairly regularly. However, something strange has happened. The connection which was once there, seems to be tainted in some way.

Also, when she learned of our last girlfriend, she got quiet. She hasn’t really talked to me since, even though I sent her a couple of e-mails since then. She doesn’t know that we are no longer seeing anyone. I just have to wonder if after all this time maybe she felt something too and maybe it hurt her to know that we were with someone else. I’m not sure what her reasons are, but I hope that she is well and that she will get back in touch soon.

I’ve thought long and hard about how telling her about my crush changed our relationship. I know that it made it a little awkward for her to talk to me afterwards. I’m sure that the offers to let her stay at our house always carry a double meaning for her now, however I wish that they wouldn’t. I would still like to be her friend first and foremost. Especially when she needs a safe place to stay or a compassionate ear to listen to all of the things she has gone through, which I know has been a lot.

The other thing which changed unexpectedly, was my artwork. After she knew, it was harder to see her as a muse. It’s as if giving her the knowledge took something away. I’m not sure what, but something has gone.

So, now I look for a new muse. Hopefully, we’ll find her soon and, when we do find her, we hope she’ll want to be more than just a muse.