Why do you feel the need to have a third?
J: I would never use the word “need” to describe our hunt for a third. “Want” or “Would Really Like” is much more fitting. In the past seven years we’ve been together, we’ve had many girlfriends and many threesomes, but most of our sex, as well as most of our dating, has been much more traditional in nature. There is no “need†at all as we are perfectly happy being just a couple.
As far as why we seek it out, it is something that we enjoy and feel could become something much more more long term. In short, we seek it out because we can. End of sentence.
C: I’d like to add that when we started this, we realized that we had a very strong love. We discussed the possibility of sharing that love with another (a kid was not the answer). This would also give me the chance to be more open and give me the chance to explore a side of myself I never have.
What are you looking for in a third?
J: The goal has always been to find someone permanent and stable. We want someone that can come into the relationship, be an equal partner in it, and share our lives the way we share each other’s. We realize that it’s almost impossible considering we have a seven year head start on whoever we bring in, but we are the types of people that form bonds quickly when presented with the right person.
In lieu of finding something that permanent or at least long-lasting, we are willing to have fun, try new things and broaden our horizons. We’re not experts at one-night stands but we are not closed off to them.
C: Honestly, it depends on the situation. If sex is offered, it’s usually taken. However, we’d prefer to have someone we can spend quality time with. Someone who clicks with our couple culture and who enjoys or shares our interests.
As far as specifics of interests, they include liking Halloween more than Christmas, silly comedy, and having a wit to match ours.
On a practical level, how does it work?
J: In bed it’s pretty straightforward. Crystal and I are both such givers that we try to do what we can for the third. Though there is no “normal†threesome, most involve some elements of everyone taking turns being the center of attention and being pleasured by the others. We also experiment with positions that ever everyone involved at once.
Generally, the only thing we try to avoid is situations where one person is just sitting to the side. That defeats the entire purpose of a threesome.
As far as a relationship goes, it actually works like any other dating but instead of just of two people, three are involved. Crystal and I usually approach the relationship as a unit, making it very similar to one-on-one dating in many ways.
Is it hard watching the person you love have sex with someone else?
C: It really depends on the third. I really enjoy watching Jonathan have sex with a girl most of the time
Sometimes, it is more difficult if I’m not as into her as he, but usually there are very few problems. The first girl we had a threesome with was very considerate and made sure everyone was comfortable.
J: I think it’s a lot easier for me than Crystal, but I can only think of one time that it was awkward at all and it was a miscommunication that lead to the situation. We’ve gotten a lot better and handling those situations since then. Generally, it’s never awkward at all.
What is the best part about this kind of relationship?
C: The best part is the adventure and meeting new people. When we do find someone who clicks with us, it can be a very wonderful experience. Not to mention, the sex is always interesting to say the least.
A close second is knowing that no matter what happens with another girl, we’ll always have each other.
J: Having been in relationships where even looking at other women sideways is worthy scolding, being in a relationship that encourages, looking, sharing and more is definitely a breath of fresh air. It’s wonderful never being in trouble for just doing what comes naturally.
What is the worst part about this kind of relationship?
C: Sometimes when two of the three click better than the other one, the one can feel left out. Though this has been a rare occurrence, it does cause problems when it happens.
J: I’d say that it’s the heartbreak that can happen when emotions get involved and things don’t work out. These are real emotions we’re talking about, we have fallen in love with at least a couple of women and were genuinely hurt when things fell apart for whatever reason. Though we have the comfort of coming home to each other, healing is still hard.
Do you ever think of stopping?
C: Yes. When it’s been a long time since we’ve had someone else, and when it gets comfortable between the two of us, it’s hard to think about going out and trying to find someone. It’s also very discouraging when we try to find someone and are not able to.
J: As per our rules, stopping is always on the table to some degree. Sometimes it is even seriously discussed. Sometimes we also discuss opening the relationship up more. In the long run though, this seems to be the best balance for us.
How do you deal with jealousy?
C: Jealousy really hasn’t been a strong issue for a long time. Usually when it is an issue, it’s because of an imbalance of affection in the threesome.
What are the keys to making this type of relationship work?
C: Communication, trust and patience.
Are you with someone right now?
C: Not officially. We have a stripper who wants us to take her out, but we haven’t been able to arrange it yet.
J: For all intents and purposes, we’re playing the field right now.
Has ending a relationship with a third ever hurt you two as a couple?
C: No. We always discuss what went wrong and it is always a mutual decision between us to let a third go. It is never an easy decision though.
Does it get any easier as you go on?
C: Not really. There are no secrets to picking up women that works 100% of the time. It is especially hard for me because I’ve never been able to tell when someone is interested in me and I’m actually fairly shy, though I’m working on that.
How do I get my girlfriend/wife to do this?
C: Simple answer, you can’t. If it’s not something she wants to try, you’ll cause more problems trying to talk her into it than just sticking with the fantasy.
J: Think about it this way. To make this work your girlfriend as to A) Be truly bisexual (not merely bicurious or pretending to be interested) and B) Comfortable with sharing you. Just because a girl is bisexual doesn’t mean she wants to let someone else have you.
Remember, Crystal came to me with this, not the other way around. If your girlfriend or wife wants it, she will come to you with it.
What precautions should a couple thinking about this take?
C: When thinking of pursuing this type of relationship, you and your partner need to discuss in detail what the restrictions and rules are. We took our time planning out what we wanted and what we were and were not comfortable with.
J: Talk, be honest, set boundaries and respect them. The important thing is to make sure that this is what both partners want and that they are prepared for it. Girls, don’t try to use this to save a relationship, it doesn’t work, and guys don’t push your significant others into it, it never ends well.
Are you two married why or why not?
C: No. I don’t really want to get married and it would be unfair to any third that we did bring in for us as a couple to have a legal advantage over her.
J: I’m of the school of thought that says people who want to be together should be together and shouldn’t need papers from the state, God or whoever else saying that they can and must do so.
What do your parents think?
C: We really don’t discuss it that much. I broke the news to my mom and let her tell my dad. My dad didn’t talk to me for three months. However, now I think my parents accept it a little more, even if they don’t understand it. My mom told me she would never be able to understand, and I respect that. If they have questions, which they do at times, I am honest with them no matter how uncomfortable the answers may make them.
J: I grew up in a fairly open-minded household but I don’t think my parents were ready for this. It was hard on me because my parents really loved and accepted Crystal before the announcement but, for a time afterward, would not even speak to her. Things have cooled off and died down a lot on my end, all seems to be well, but then again we haven’t brought a third to Thanksgiving dinner yet.
What about other guys?
C: Even though Jonathan is only the second man I have ever been with, I really don’t have much curiosity about other men. I have had a fantasy for a long time of having two men at once, but I’m fine with it staying that way. I’d much rather focus my sexual pursuits on women.
J: Since I am not bisexual the odds of a threeway with another man are slim to none, at least one involving me. I’m open to the idea of Crystal exploring those urges on her own, but she has flatly rejected any offers from me to do so. She seems happy where she is and I have to say that’s very flattering.
Is Crystal really bisexual?
J: There’s a lot of fake bisexuals out there, I know that well. They mark themselves as bi on Myspace, kiss a few girls on the weekends and call themselves borderline lesbians. It’s cool, it’s trendy and it helps them get guys.
The problem is that there’s nothing cool about really being bisexual. It comes with a heavy emotional toll, lots of soul searching and a lot of personal problem. Being bisexual, at least at first, does not make things easier.
Crystal’s done all of that, much of it before I met her, and I know from talking to her just how bisexual she is. If you don’t believe me, read her writing and judge for yourself.
